I had an epiphany!
Wednesday, Jan. 16, 2019 6:27 PM
Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. - Martin Luther King, JR
I've just had an epiphany. I was sitting here texting my good friend Chris from college when it hit me. I was telling him about why I think my marriage failed when, all of a sudden, like a light bulb turning on, all of life's mysteries concerning relationships and marriage exploded inside of my head. Granted, these are thoughts I've had for a long time and I'm not the first one to have them. However, it's the first time they've clicked. It's like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle coming together after sitting there on the table next to each other just waiting to be connected.
What I basically told him was that marriage is a partnership. When the partnership isn't balanced the majority of the time, the two team members are not at their best. I've always known that no relationship is 50/50. There's always some give and take in either direction. It's just that both partners have to be willing to give a little and not always be the one taking. If both partners can find a balance between the give/take ratio, then they are on more equal footing.
I also said something like, ...if you take a leap of faith into a relationship like that, you both have to put the other above anyone else, including yourself. Well, except for God. God is always #1. That's where respect and unconditional love come into play. It's better to be with your partner because you love them, not because you need them.
Kent and I had an imbalanced relationship. Neither one of us put the other person first. We failed to respect each other in the process. He stayed with me because he needed me more than he loved me. I stayed with him because I loved him and felt obligated to take care of him. He put himself first, his son second. I put myself before anyone else. He wanted a provider and caretaker for both him and his son. Basically he wanted a mother, someone just like his mother. Plus, he wanted me dependent on him as much as he was dependent upon me. I wanted perfection, an ideal that doesn't exist. I had too high of expectations, and when he couldn't fulfill those expectations, I felt let down. I wanted to change everything about his personality. He couldn't accept me for who I am just as much as I couldn't accept him for who he is.
Anyhow, I'm in a good place right now. I'm going to appreciate this moment while I can. With how chaotic life can be, I just want to take pleasure in the little things. I just need my old house to sell. Then I'd have a lot of weight lifted off my shoulders. If you're into praying, please pray that my house sells ASAP. It would help a lot.
Tomorrow my brother flies in as a secret surprise birthday gift for my mom. She turns 70 on Friday. He'll be here for an entire week, so I'll more than likely be off doing something with him while he's in town. For now, I need to rush off and get home. It's almost 7 PM now and I'm still at work.
Until next time.