This is who I am.
Monday, May. 17, 2021 8:26 AM
"Some people are living, others are just existing." - Thomas Ayim
The family celebrated my oldest niece Megan's engagement on Saturday. It was the first time in a long time that I felt like I belonged. I used to feel like a third wheel until I married, then I felt a sense of disassociation during family gatherings while married. I'm not sure if I feel like I belong now because of a years worth of therapy, or if it's something else entirely. I am extremely happy for her and Aidan. They both glow all the time around each other. I hope that lasts a lifetime for them.
Last Thursday, I went and established myself with my parents' doctor. He works for one of those places where, if you are their patient, you can get all of your medications for free through the pharmacy. You can have them mailed to you or you can pick them up. Either way, the cost of shipping is way cheaper. This morning I called the supplemental insurance place and cancelled my policies with them. I had no idea I had 4 policies with them until today. I felt pressured into signing up for the insurance when dealing with an agent who helped set me up with Obamacare. He'll probably call me later to ask me why I cancelled, but I'll ignore his phone call. I've been ignoring the life insurance people who want to interview me, as well. I really have no need for a life insurance policy. I don't have any dependents and everything I own is paid for. Plus, I'm not in debt *knock on wood* at this moment in time. Cancelling one and not finishing the application for the other will save me $200 a month. This is going to help me out a lot until I find another job. If the agent calls me up and I do answer, I'm just going to have to put my foot down and say, "Look, I am flat broke. I would much rather eat and feed my cats than pay for insurance." I hate it when people push you to buy things or sign up for things just because it benefits them.
Yesterday, I ate dinner with my parents. Mom said that Dad ran into Fr. J. after mass and had a short conversation with him. I guess he asked about me. My dad answered his questions, but made sure to leave him with the impression that he's not particularly happy with the church at the moment because of the games they played. Father asked if I was going to mass. My dad told him no, to which Fr. then asked if he should reach out to me, but then made the comment, "but I'm guessing she doesn't want to hear from any of us here at M." Dad said he told him that I definitely did not. Six months later and even my parents are still angry with them. I don't feel so bad that I am still holding onto this grudge. I told my mom that I wasn't as upset as I was months ago, and that I would easily get over the whole thing if they acknowledged that what they did was wrong and apologized, but getting anything like that out of them is like shoving a square into a circular hole.
I haven't heard from Kent in awhile, which is good. I haven't heard from Aaron, either. Anytime I think about reaching out to Aaron, I remind myself of what he said the last time we spoke on the phone. While I don't understand how someone can turn off their feelings like that, I must respect it. Mom says part of my depression is from losing my best friend like this, but I think its a combination of many things.
On the bright side, I sat down and thought about who I am. I came up with this:
I am a libertarian. I'm fiscally conservative but socially liberal. I believe I am asexual because I don't feel sexually attracted to anything. I thought for years that I was broken, but it turns out its an actual thing. When it comes to religion, I believe ALL religions are manmade, something human beings came up with to survive and give them purpose. I do believe in God, but I don't believe that God is a man staring down at us from the skies. I think the word God represents the universe, that the entire universe is connected, and that human beings manifested this connection into human form to provide them with a familiarity. As for Jesus, I tend to align more with Judaism. I see Jesus as a prophet.
I binge eat my emotions when I get anxious or sad. When I feel overwhelmed with sadness, I want to cut myself. Sometimes I do, always on the left arm, but only deep scratches. I often think about putting the barrel of a gun against my temple or sliding it between my lips and pulling the trigger. I imagine my head exploding and all the brain matter flying everywhere. The difference between me and somebody who is suicidal is that I would never act on these thoughts. Ever. Deep down, I do not want to die. I just have dark thoughts when I can't control my emotions. Does this make me sick?
I put things off until the last minute, even if I have all the time in the world to get it done. I don't know why I like to put off until tomorrow what could be done today. I think it's my lack of energy or motivation. I feel like I have spent 95% of my life in a fog, and the real me is hidden somewhere within the 5% that most people never get to meet. They meet the fog, and that's the impression they are left with.
I like breezy days. I like the feel of wind against my cheeks, and how warm the sun feels against my skin. I love moving water. It doesn't matter if it's the ocean, a river, or a stream. It can even be falling rain. I love the sounds it makes, the smells it emits. There is something very comforting about it. I like to feel blades of grass between my toes, to cuddle up under a soft blanket eating buttered popcorn while watching a movie. I don't like to watch a movie more than once unless it's been years since I've seen it. Music makes me feel a multitude of emotions, so I prefer to listen to upbeat music that makes you want to dance. Sad music overwhelms me and draws me deeper into the fog. Most people don't seem to understand that.
I live to write. I love to express myself through written word. When I talk, I speak exactly how I write. I am overly confident mentally, which has me saying a lot of things out loud no matter the consequences. I hold grudges, even if I know better. Usually, I'm more angry at myself than the person I am angry with. I expect too much from people, and expect way too much from myself. I need to learn to love myself more, and stop feeling guilty for standing up for what is right. I believe in respecting everyone, and completely hate it when people can't be respectful in return.
I could go on, but I think I'll end it there. I need to go feed the cats.